Reflecting Back

Three months. Three months and my whole life has completely changed. I’ve said it over and over, and I’ll say it again. These months have seemed like a big blur. It’s getting harder and harder to remember specific memories. But there are many amazing ones and of course, many difficult ones too, when I think about it.

I remember when we brought home Eva from the hospital and I cried the whole way home because I was so overwhelmed with emotions. I left my house as a wife and I came home as a mother.

I remember the first couple days at home when we had to keep bringing Eva to the doctor to make sure she was recovering well from the fever she had at delivery. It was like a sudden awakening into adulthood. I was responsible for someone else, someone who fully depended on me.

I remember when my parents left and I wondered how I was ever going to do it without them. How was I going to take a shower? Go to the bathroom? Make dinner for my husband? There are still many days where I wonder those things.

I remember one night T.J. was at school and Eva would not stop crying. I held her on the Lovesac and just cried with her. It was heartbreaking to see her cry so much and not know how to comfort her.

I remember how I was so desperate to get Eva to fall asleep, I put her in her car seat on top of the dryer. It worked the first night, but that was about it.

I remember dancing to Justin Bieber’s Christmas special with Eva in the living room with the Christmas tree sparkling in the room. She just looked up at me with her big blue eyes.

I remember the first (and only) time I was at home without Eva. Our house felt so empty. I hated it and couldn’t wait for her to return with her daddy.

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Today was one of those hard days. Eva’s diaper rash is back and as bad as ever, so she was crying from pain a lot. She didn’t want to be put down at all but I was okay with it. I spent the day looking at Eva in my arms and thinking about all the moments we’ve had with her so far and imagining what life will be like with her in the future.

A baby truly changes everything and I’m so grateful for that fact.