Looking Back Pt. 1

I finished my last undergrad final yesterday. I’m done. I’m a college graduate. (For real this time.) To celebrate, I bought a can of Diet Coke. But after that, I was kind of in a grumpy mood and I think it was because I’m kind of depressed it is over. While I was waiting to be picked up, I sat down on a bench at the duck pond. I started thinking about my college experience. From day one, actually before day one. Did you know that the summer before I started BYU, I lost about ten pounds because of anxiety? (It’s awesome thinking about it now, but at the time it sucked because I was sick all the time.) I was so nervous to start the new school year, thousands of miles away from my family, leaving all of my best friends from high school, and starting over completely alone.

I’ll never forget packing the last bag of clothes into my brother’s car that day in August, four years ago. I couldn’t look back at my parents because I didn’t want to break down in tears. But the tears still came. As Sam and I left the state, we listened to “My Ole Kentucky Home”-the rap version. I had no idea what was in store for me, but having Sam there at least eased some of my fear. Thank goodness for that.

About three days later, after a stop in Iowa to visit family and Colorado to visit Sam’s friends, we arrived in Utah. Once we got through Spanish Fork canyon, we just took the backroads to get to campus. It’s weird looking back because at the time, it all looked so new. The mountains looked like a backdrop. Goodbye rolling hills, hello rockies.

First stop: Heritage Halls. I was so nervous to meet my roommates and I was still in that High School age where I was so self-conscious about everything. I met two of my roommates and thought: Wow, they look so old! They were just tall, but to me, that paralleled to old I guess. Very intimidating.

Sometimes I feel like Freshman year didn’t even happen. It’s like a complete blur. When it came time for Thanksgiving, things back at BYU had gotten so bad that my parents said they’d only pay for my ticket home if I promised to go back. When my dad picked me up from the airport, I just bursted into tears. I had missed them so much and hated being away for so long. But, as I promised, I went back and after Christmas break everything started getting a little better.

Pretty soon I started to adjust. Freshman year was a huge learning experience and it makes me realize how much a freshman girl grows up in just a matter of months. I made a lot of mistakes that year and I’d do it all over again if I could… completely differently. I would have studied harder, carefully chosen my friends, gone to bed earlier, and tried to get the “dorm” experience. But I can’t go back, so it’s stupid thinking about it. I guess the main thing is that I did change in the end, for the better and I learned my lessons. I grew up (to an extent), got over my homesickness (to an extent), learned how to study, eventually learned how to live with roommates (although, I don’t think any 19 year old girl is supposed to ever live with five others in such small spaces), and realized that my parents were no longer looking after me every minute of the day and so I needed to start looking out for myself.